That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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