theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
