She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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