Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
