my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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