we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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