She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
