so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
