you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
