Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
