If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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