I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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