I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
