my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
