My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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