After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.