He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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