My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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