so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
