I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
