Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
