Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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