Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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