I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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