K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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