I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
