My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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