Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
