I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
