Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
