She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
