before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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