So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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