I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
