shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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