i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
