marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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