I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
