i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize