Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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