I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
