His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
