Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
