It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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