I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?