my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!