I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
