i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
