Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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