I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
