I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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