So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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