This is not my ceiling
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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