exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
