My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
