Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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