who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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