So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We are all done wearing pants today
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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