My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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