Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
