I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize