She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
