4 words: hood of his car
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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