the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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