you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
