I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
