The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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